The law of heredity is that
all undesirable traits
come from the other parent.

The best years of a family are
when the kids are too old
to need a babysitter
and too young
to borrow the car.

Hay smells different to lovers
than to horses.

What's wrong with showing emotion, showing love,
or anger or rage or happiness?
They're natural emotions.
They're what separates human beings
from lamps.
  Brian Bosworth

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time
and annoys the pig.

I base my fashion taste
on what doesn't itch.
  Gilda Radner

I can't say I was ever lost,
but I was bewildered once for three days.
    Daniel Boone

The only trouble with being punctual
is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Some people are so boring, they make you feel
like you wasted an entire day in five minutes.

A sweater is a garment worn by a child
when the mother feels cold.

Housekeeping is like threading beads on a string
with no knot at the end.

The time to start worrying about children
is when they leave the house without slamming the door.

One good turn, and you have most of the bedcovers.